It has come to the attention of this blog
that some lovely readers like hockey and hockey players, but have not yet
committed their affections to a single hockey team. In the interests of turning
them into crazed fanatics like the rest of us, this simple Cosmo-type quiz will
help you to find the right team to support.
1. Looking down at yourself, which of these
options best describes what you’re wearing.
a)
Nike dri-fit everything
b)
Woolly sweater, Indian cotton skirt,
and tights.
c)
Top and skirt in a very on-trend
plum shade with a hammered silver necklace
d)
Jeans, a t-shirt that the baby
spit up on, and the birthday earrings your hubby gave you
e)
A stylish dress that you hunted
down in a consignment store
f)
A black thong, ripped lace
stockings, and handcuffs
2. Your favourite evening pastime would be:
a)
A pick-up game of soccer
b)
Hearing a speaker on saving
whales
c)
Shopping at Nordstrom’s
d)
Volunteering at the homeless
shelter
e)
Craft night with the girls
f)
Sex & drugs & rock ’n
roll
3. Your favourite meal is:
a)
Power bars and Gatorade as you
rush to the gym
b)
Organically sourced and locally
grown
c)
A ten course omakase of tiny
Japanese delicacies, beautifully plated
d)
Roast beef dinner at your Mom’s
place, and you bring the pie
e)
At a nice bistro with your 50%
off Groupon discount
f)
Eaten off a naked man
4. When it comes to men, you like:
a)
Guys who can bench 250
b)
Sensitive, new-age men
c)
Men who know a Windsor from a four-in-hand
d)
A good sense of humour and a
career goals
e)
Personality, since you can fix
his clothes and hair
f)
Variety
Now count up your answers, and find the
letter you checked most.
If you had mainly A answers, you are a Jock
Nobody needs to sit beside you and explain
the game. You play for keeps and you need a team that competes as hard as you
do. While no team can win the Stanley Cup each season, these ones will be
in the playoffs year after year.
Detroit
Red Wings
Apparently Detroit is a native word meaning
stable hockey management. With a great GM, possibly the best coach in the
league, and a legendary scouting staff, the Red Wings are consistently great.
Pittsburgh
Penguins
Their hunky captain is the best player in
the entire league, and Crosby can deliver the goals. On 24/7, they were the
good guys, and they’re perennial Cup favourites.
Chicago
Blackhawks
This team is hot. And with two Stanley Cups in four years, the hockey playing is pretty good as well. No one will question your fandom of this team, especially when Sharpie takes off his helmet for the rousing anthem.
This team is hot. And with two Stanley Cups in four years, the hockey playing is pretty good as well. No one will question your fandom of this team, especially when Sharpie takes off his helmet for the rousing anthem.
San Jose Sharks
Although a perennial bridesmaid who has never made it to the finals, the Sharks are another stable team who consistently make the playoffs and compete hard. Every season, some hockey pundit decrees that it’s the Shark’s year to win it all, and this year is no exception. And what’s not to love about a team who skates out through a shark’s jaws?
If you had mainly B answers, you are an
Earth Mother
At the organic, gluten-free, vegan pet
shelter, you chose the one-eyed, three-legged rabbit for your new pet. The
panhandling guys cheer when they see you coming down the sidewalk. You radiate
kindness and generosity. Why not support these teams? They’re not expected to
do well, but their fans love them anyway. When they do win, victory will be all
that much sweeter.
Florida
Panthers
They had a preseason game with fewer fans
attending than players. Their dressing rooms are famous for rats! They are one
of the lowest spending teams in the league. They need your love.
Calgary
Flames
Last season, they had a legendary captain
and legendary goalie, both of whom are now gone. Their arena was flooded in the
summer, and they lost files, memorabilia, and the head of their doggy mascot.
Their trades and drafts have been meh, but now they’ve got a two-headed General
Manager to help. They need your love!
Buffalo
Sabres
Hopes were high after a new big-spending
owner arrived. Lots of recent changes, including big trades and the firing of
the longstanding coach. But so far, no results except for one of the ugliest
new jerseys on the planet. They need your love!
New
Jersey Devils
Their best player took his puck and went
home to Russia, but the Devils are still paying the bill for him in the form of
a first round draft pick. The Devils didn’t even complain, since with their
debt load they were going to have trouble paying his salary anyway. They need
your love.
Phoenix
Coyotes
Like the unwelcome dinner guest who keeps
having one more for the road, the Coyotes have been threatening to leave
Arizona for years, but now they’re staying put (for now.) Is it any wonder that
they have to give away tickets with beer purchases at Fry’s? And yet, this team
is perennially over-performs. Still, they need your love!
If you had mainly C answers, you are an Aesthete
You follow the trends, and enjoy looking
good with your good-looking friends in hip surroundings. Perhaps hockey is not
your first choice as an aesthetically-pleasing sports, but it has a certain
alternative charm. When it comes to hockey, you want your team to play well,
but look good as they do it.
Montréal
Canadians
With a classic uniform that hasn’t changed
in close to 100 years, the Habs are a team with tradition and style. The crowds
at their games are the most stylish and well-dressed in the league, as well as
the most attractive. And for a final touch that will please any designer, they
are the first team to add accents to their name bars. Go Umlaut, Go!
New
York Rangers
Another original six team with an old-style
jersey, the Rangers also have tradition on their side. But more importantly,
they have the best-looking player in the entire league, the suave Henrik
Lundqvist. Thank heavens he’s a goalie, so that face won’t be hit by errant
sticks and pucks.
New
York Islanders
Those uniforms, all clashing orange and
blue, are not the prettiest. But next year they’re moving to Brooklyn, and there are rumours of black jerseys. And Brooklyn, the planetary headquarters of all that’s trendy and hipster. We predict the cool kids will soon be following the exploits of Tavares and
company.
If you had mainly D answers, you are a Nice Girl
You obey the rules and cross only on the
green lights. As a nice girl, you like to avoid conflict, so we recommend
cheering for your local team. If there’s no local team, cheer for the closest
team. Not only will this make it easier to follow the team since any hockey
coverage will focus on them, but you’ll meet other fans this way. Of course,
since we don’t know where you live, we can only recommend these teams with
great regional support.
Winnipeg
Jets
When the NHL threatened to relocate the
Jets back in the 90’s, sad-eyed kids lined up to offer their allowance to
ensure they’d stay. The league cold-heartedly ripped the team away anyway and
sent them to Phoenix. (How’s that working out for you, Gary?) But when the city
got a new team in 2011, a celebration began that resulted in huge sellouts and
one of the best atmospheres in the league. What’s not to love about a team that
chooses the best player on the opposing team and boos him whenever he touches
the puck?
Minnesota
Wild
Why the NHL would rip hockey out of the
State of Hockey and put it into Texas is beyond reason, but that’s what
happened here in the 90’s. Luckily hockey is back now, and with an owner who’s
ready to spend big $$$ on players like Ryan Suter and Zach Parise, hopes are
high here. And Snoopy wears a Wild jersey, so feel free to go (pea) nuts for
this team.
Nashville
Predators
With a fun arena atmosphere, stable
management, and a great city, it seems like the Preds have everything going for
them. Sadly, their defence-first system is not always the most fun to watch,
but their handsome captain is one of
the top defenders in the league. And Carrie Underwood is married to centre,
Mike Fisher, making them the top celeb couple in the NHL.
If you had mainly E answers, you are a
Thriftster
You amaze everyone with your bargain finds
and creativity. That aged sideboard was picked up from the dump, then a little
elbow grease, wood glue, and milk paint made it good as new! A few alterations
and that dress from Value Village looks like it’s haute couture. Since you’re
so good at seeing potential, choose one of these up and coming teams. By the
time they make it big you can say you were there first.
Edmonton
Oilers
Three first overall picks in the draft in
three consecutive years? Wow, but too bad none of them were goalies. The Oil
are young and full of potential. Unfortunately their fans have been hearing
that for years, but it’s got to come true someday.
St.
Louis Blues
Their coach is an expert in military
history, and he gets his young team ready to battle every night. EA Sports NHL
14 simulation picked the Blues to defeat the Penguins in the Stanley Cup final.
Of course, last year the gamers picked the Rangers to defeat the Blackhawks, so
they were only half-right.
Tampa
Bay Lightning
They have a superstar sniper, an ageless
captain, and a decent goalie, but since they’re in Florida they fly under the
media radar. Still the Lightning have a ton of potential.
Colorado
Avalanche
Another young team with tons of potential,
including some first class forwards. Still there are some question marks around
this team, including a coach/GM with a competitive drive that’s literally
insane and possibly actionable.
If you had mainly F answers, you are a Bad
Girl.
You don’t give a damn what other people
say, and you haven’t ever since that “incident” in the boys washroom back in
Grade 8. Black leather moto, tight jeans, and shit-kicking boots, and that’s
your work wardrobe! You believe a hard man is good to find, so here are some
hard teams for you:
Boston
Bruins
Other teams and their fans hate the Bruins,
and they probably have a good case. Everyone, from the towering captain, Chara,
to power forward, Lucic, to super-rat, Marchand, has been involved in some
pretty questionable hits, plays, and injuries. But their wily coach has pushed
this team to a Cup win, Game Seven heroics, and excellent playoff runs. Get
ready to embrace the hate when you don a B’s jersey.
Philadelphia
Flyers
While their heyday as the Broadstreet
Bullies is long gone, they still manage to stir up controversy, either on the
ice or in the backroom. Right now, they’re dysfunctional as all get out, yet
they still command fear in opponent’s rinks. As I’m writing this, they’re
having a line brawl. Some things never change.
Toronto
Maple Leafs
A recent history of futility, and yet
there’s always a battle to get game tickets. This irrational fandom means that
those in Toronto adore the team and those outside the self-proclaimed centre of
the universe despise them. Wear the blue and white in Canada and get ready for
some love… or hate.
Los
Angeles Kings
How many teams have a captain who is known
for fighting… and diving? The Kings battled their way to a Stanley Cup
championship, leaving opponents bruised, beaten, and concussed. And they can’t
get no respect, L.A. sports reporters are constantly messing up the player’s
names and even the team logo when forced to cover hockey stories.
Vancouver
Canucks
They have a reputation as divers and
whiners – and that’s just the fans, so the Canucks decided to improve their
image by hiring the most despised coach in the league. It’s a match made in
H-E-double hockey sticks. Still, the Canucks have the longest sell-out streak
in the NHL, so misery clearly loves company.
Well, have you got a team to cheer for now? Does your personality match the team you already cheer for? If I missed your favourite
team, where do they belong? Or do you just think I'm crazy? Let
me know in the comments!